There are certain words in this world that have great meaning and power. These words are often thrown around very carelessly. Many people use words such as hate and love, without understanding the true significance of its meaning, or understanding the damage it can cause if it isn’t used with caution. The power behind these two words is equally beautiful and dangerous at the same time. It’s as though the person who chooses to use either of these terms should have a certificate of acceptance to hold such authority.
Love can be draining, but hate requires enormous amounts of energy from your soul. Experience is what we look for; it’s rich. Addiction is a form of suffering, you still breathe, but with every breath you take, you begin to find meaning in the pain you feel.
This leads me to my next two words; two words that I fear the most right now in my life: experience and addiction. Experience is often times used in such a positive way, right? Whether it’s someone landing a job, a gig, or an athletic contract because they have more experience than others. Well not in my case and nor my journey. The last five years have been full of restarts, ups and downs. Whether it was scratching the surface of success, goingcountry to country for my athletic career, orearning great respect from certain employers, that I simply walked out on because I was overwhelmed with cultural pressure about choosing the correct career path. Also, I had recently been diagnosed with clinical depression, this required relearning how to walk and talk again, even being robbed and having a gun put in my mouth, and being homeless all within five years, has been a lot to take on. Wouldn’t you think?
You see, sometimes too much experience in such a short period of time can be harmful; it can cause addiction to one’s life. I was so used to being okay for a few months, then hitting the restart button again in a different career or life path. Telling myselfit’sokay, I am still young, and I still have time. I began to get comfortable with the restart life button as I call it, so comfortable that I found myself five years down the line still repeating the same cycle of ups and downs. We are all racing against the precious clock of time, right? We all set goals we want to reach, right? Well, when that time gets closer and you find yourself repeating the same cycle you encounter goose bumps more often and the hair on your arms begin to rise a bit faster than before. That queasy feeling in your stomach hits you harder than a roller coaster ride. You are more on edge, slightly tempered, and find yourself prancing, looking for answers to the problem; I guess you can call it PRESSURE?
So here is where it gets scary, who would of thought too much experience would lead to addiction? Well, too much of anything in a short period of time isn’t good for the soul or the mind. Now that I am working on building stability into my life, I am plagued by the notion that I might fall apart again after a few short months of stability and have to hit the restart life button again. I have become so used to the idea of breaking, that after three months of stability in my life, I am almost waiting for something to go wrong. The feeling of clinical depression and being homeless haunts me every night in my sleep. Breaking has become my Cancer; I just don’t know when it will come back, even though it might not, in hopes of it staying in remissionforever.
I don’t expect anyone to understand my vision, my journey, or what I have been through. I certainly am not the one to preach on another either, because we are all fighting some form of addiction in our life. However, we should always be cautious with the words we throw around; these words aren’t given enough credit due to their true meaning. Nobody can hold a solid ground of emotions at all times and never breakdown. Sometimes, we throw these words with extreme force and a lot of heat behind them, not realizing that maybe this person is fragile at the moment and they are working on a new structure and foundation of strength. This person may be trying to find the stability they have been dreamingof in order to be as great as the magnitudeof what it claims, but differs from what pessimists might claim about she/he; so that they can fight the addictive and cancerous ideas in their head that threaten breaking them again. She/he hopes that one day they might be able to look back on their experiences after they are all better, andsee them in a positive light.
They should be able to tell their children about their experiences, to teach them, protect, and love them unconditionally. But most importantly, accept that this experience happened, accept that this addictive thought process of fear will heal in time, and appreciate the fact that waking up today came with strength to fight again and work on myself to be a better me, in hopes of having towers of foundation so strong that I will never be broken again. I guess…I have to thank Beirut for giving me another chance at life.
This story was written by Ali El Kadi. Ali works as sales representative at computer’s hardware & software company located in Beirut.